Monday, November 17, 2014

The Hardest Year Of My Life

I don't know where to begin. I don't know what to say exactly except for what I feel and know. I've held off from writing this post because of the pain - or rather memory of the pain.

This has been one of the hardest years I have ever had. It has almost been a year since I found out I was pregnant for the second time. I miscarried one month later in January (you can read about that story here). Two months later, I found out I was pregnant again - my 3rd pregnancy.

I was nervous. I called the Dr. right away and went through a process of getting my blood tested to make sure my levels were rising (indicating a viable pregnancy). After confirming that they were indeed rising, I had my first appointment with an ultrasound ~

I saw the baby on the screen and breathed a sigh of relief. I saw that little heart beating at just 7 weeks pregnant. Tiny little arm and leg buds were forming and I could see it on the screen. Everything indicated that all was well. We brought home our first picture of that little baby and we announced that we were expecting again on Easter.

Just three weeks after the ultrasound (I had hit the 10 week mark and was looking forward to my next appointment - to hear the heartbeat), I started spotting. It was Saturday, May 10th. I knew something was wrong and rushed to the emergency room. After waiting for a long time, they put me in the ultrasound room and proceeded to do an ultrasound with the screen turned away from me. I asked the nurse if she saw anything. She said she wasn't allowed to tell me anything. When she was done I went back to the waiting room to wait again.. A doctor finally came and got me, put me in another room and explained that the baby had died at 8 weeks. Just stopped growing... Just one week after that first ultrasound the baby died.

I was in shock. It didn't seem real. I think that ER doctor was ready to schedule surgery to remove everything. Thankfully my doctor came in (he is amazing) and told me I could wait a few days to see if I would pass the baby naturally ~ which is exactly what happened. The next day - Mother's Day of all days, I passed the baby. Looking back I am amazed at how well I handled that moment. The baby was perfectly in tact in the amniotic sac. I could see the little eyes and the little body. We decided to have testing done to see what caused the miscarriage. The next day I went to the hospital and handed the baby over to a nurse. I think it started to sink in then.

A few weeks later the results came in. The baby had an extra set of chromosomes. Triploidy is the technical term. It happens in just 2% of pregnancies. Just a fluke. My dr. explained that there was nothing I did or could've done differently. It was a fluke. I was perfectly healthy and there was still a better chance of me having a healthy pregnancy than another miscarriage.

For me the second miscarriage was a lot harder than the first. I never saw the first baby. I saw everything the second time. I also knew that the second baby was a girl from the testing they did. That made it harder than the first one, too.

During this time I did a book study with some ladies. The book was called "A Loving Life." The story of Ruth. One of the main parts of the book that stuck out for me was about Naomi and how she lamented at the death of her husband and sons. She didn't hold back her feelings but was open with God. And God didn't rebuke her- He just loved her through it all. Even though she wasn't right in her thinking about God. I think when you go through a rough experience your thinking can be a little off. I am so glad that God is steady and unchanging. Even though I might never know why he allowed that to happen in my life.. but God doesn't just work in small pieces of our lives - he is working out the bigger picture. He has a plan for our whole lives.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Two months after that second miscarriage, I found out I was pregnant again. My 4th pregnancy. It was July. I was very nervous. I felt a little disconnect, though, and really didn't let myself get excited. I think I was doubting that it would go well this time. I waited a little longer than the last time to call my dr. He had me go through the testing again to see if my levels were going up. Once that was confirmed I went in for an ultrasound. I saw the baby - the heartbeat - everything. It was like a flashback. Everything looked good. After that appointment I held my breath and let myself relax a little when I made it to my 10 week appointment and heard the heartbeat for the first time. The dr. said that I was "out of the woods" and that he thought everything would go well this time.

Once I hit the 12 week mark - we announced with this picture.

So far, it has gone well! I am now 19 weeks pregnant. I will find out the gender of the baby next week at my ultrasound. God is faithful. God is good.

I still struggle with feelings of doubt. I still feel like I'm not letting myself relax and truly be excited about this baby. I feel like it will all end like the first two. I don't think I will relax until I hold that baby in my arms and hear the doctor say that everything is good.

But still - I know that God will be with me through it all. I know that he has a plan for my life. I am choosing to trust him.