January 6th 2014. I was just 6 weeks pregnant. I hadn't been feeling any "real" symptoms yet. Nothing in comparison to what I had experienced with Audriana. As I lay in bed that night, I glanced at my dresser mirror and saw the card tucked in the edge that said "For this I have Christ". I stared at it and thought "even if I were to lose this baby, I would still have Christ." Somehow, I almost knew something was going to happen.
January 7th 2014. I woke up after a long hard night tending to a very sick Audriana. I was so tired. As I went to the bathroom that morning, suddenly my thought from the night before was becoming a reality. Bleeding isn't generally a good sign when you are pregnant. I tried not to freak out. I had heard stories of women who thought they were losing their babies, but it didn't turn out that way. Yet, somehow I knew it was going to be different in my case. I called the Dr. and they got me in that afternoon. I was feeling fairly calm until the ultrasound. I lay on that table and prayed so hard that there would be a baby on the screen. From the doctor's face, I could tell something wasn't right. The only thing on that screen was a tiny yolk sac - no visible baby. At least not a 6 week developed baby. We went back to the room and he told me that it "didn't look like a viable pregnancy. It wasn't my fault- nothing I did wrong. " He didn't see what he expected to see on the ultrasound, concluding that it was probably wrong from the start- it happened at conception. He also said I was healthy and there was no reason why I shouldn't be able to have more children in the future.
All of the feelings and emotions that came after that were almost too hard to bear. I had questions like "God, why did you answer me before Christmas so I could surprise everyone, but when I prayed that there would be a baby on that ultrasound, why didn't you answer me then?" I knew that I could trust God. I had Christ - he fulfilled my greatest need - salvation. I was not at all angry with God. In fact, I had an overwhelming peace that he was right there with me through it all. I just didn't understand.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING"
I saw that verse on a church billboard and it hit me hard. God's ways are not my ways. He doesn't call for me to understand him, he calls for me to TRUST him - with ALL of my heart. So though I may never understand why I lost my baby, I know that I can trust God. He has only good in store for me - He is good, always good.
I look forward to the day when I will see my baby again.
