Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Miscarriage - A Story of Loss

December 21st, 2013 ~ I had just found out I was pregnant. I was so excited to surprise my family on Christmas. I had prayed that it would happen before Christmas so I could surprise everyone. I was half-way shocked myself. I hadn't really thought of a way to surprise everyone, so I was scrambling to think up an idea. I finally decided just to take a picture of Audriana in a Big Sis shirt and put it in a frame. Christmas came and it was so much fun to watch the grandparents look of shock and surprise as they stared at the picture.

January 6th 2014. I was just 6 weeks pregnant. I hadn't been feeling any "real" symptoms yet. Nothing in comparison to what I had experienced with Audriana. As I lay in bed that night, I glanced at my dresser mirror and saw the card tucked in the edge that said "For this I have Christ". I stared at it and thought "even if I were to lose this baby, I would still have Christ." Somehow, I almost knew something was going to happen.

January 7th 2014. I woke up after a long hard night tending to a very sick Audriana. I was so tired. As I went to the bathroom that morning, suddenly my thought from the night before was becoming a reality. Bleeding isn't generally a good sign when you are pregnant. I tried not to freak out. I had heard stories of women who thought they were losing their babies, but it didn't turn out that way. Yet, somehow I knew it was going to be different in my case. I called the Dr. and they got me in that afternoon. I was feeling fairly calm until the ultrasound. I lay on that table and prayed so hard that there would be a baby on the screen. From the doctor's face, I could tell something wasn't right. The only thing on that screen was a tiny yolk sac - no visible baby. At least not a 6 week developed baby. We went back to the room and he told me that it "didn't look like a viable pregnancy. It wasn't my fault- nothing I did wrong. " He didn't see what he expected to see on the ultrasound, concluding that it was probably wrong from the start- it happened at conception. He also said I was healthy and there was no reason why I shouldn't be able to have more children in the future.

All of the feelings and emotions that came after that were almost too hard to bear. I had questions like "God, why did you answer me before Christmas so I could surprise everyone, but when I prayed that there would be a baby on that ultrasound, why didn't you answer me then?"  I knew that I could trust God. I had Christ - he fulfilled my greatest need - salvation. I was not at all angry with God. In fact, I had an overwhelming peace that he was right there with me through it all. I just didn't understand.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING"

I saw that verse on a church billboard and it hit me hard. God's ways are not my ways. He doesn't call for me to understand him, he calls for me to TRUST him - with ALL of my heart. So though I may never understand why I lost my baby, I know that I can trust God. He has only good in store for me - He is good, always good.

I look forward to the day when I will see my baby again.

1 comment:

  1. As sad and heart breaking that is to read, it was beautifully said. Spoken from the heart of a young new Mother filled with endless love for her child. As a Father of 3 and Grandfather of 4, I can assure you as life goes on the questions we ask God seem to never end. But as you know the scriptures are there as well as his presence to always reassure you and comfort you every day.

    God bless you Jessica, you are an amazing Woman, Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister and Granddaughter, to know you is to love you.