The Past and the Future

THE PAST ~ Growing up, I never wanted to get married or have children (they were my two greatest fears). Not that I had anything against marriage or children. I think it really all came down to the fact that I never really wanted to "grow up".  Even when playing "house" as a child, I never wanted to play the role of mom, or "Queen" (somehow I thought being a queen automatically meant you were a mom). I was always the daughter or the "princess" (to me being a princess meant you were not married).

Well, obviously that has all changed. God changed my heart and showed me that my fears were nothing to fear at all. He was only going to give me good things - things that were good for me.

I met Joey (now my husband of almost 3 years) in the Summer of 2010.  We were engaged that Fall and got married the next Spring. Funny thing was, about a month before I met him, I had told my parents that I never wanted to get married- there was no one for me out there. To which my mother replied "I have been praying for your husband since you were born.. and I want grandchildren!" Well, her prayers were answered. And might I add that being married to Joey is MUCH better than I could've ever imagined it would be.

Fear number 1 had been conquered. Being married was (and is) amazing. I still had fear number 2 ahead of me.. At that time I thought it was WAY ahead of me, not 6 months post-marriage.

The day I found out I was pregnant with Audriana, I cried and cried. Being pregnant was the last thing I wanted at that time. All the fears of body changes, new responsibility and most of all  the pain of childbirth were rushing through my mind. I was terrified. But then, at 8 weeks pregnant, I heard her little heartbeat for the first time. I was in love already. When I had the ultrasound and found out she was a girl, I was excited. And when I saw her little face on the 3D ultrasound, I couldn't wait to meet her.

The day finally came for me to meet Audriana. I was induced at 7am on July 11th 2012. By 1:46 pm she was born. My labor and delivery was WAY less painful than expected (I think mostly due to the wonderful Epidural). God had showed me again that childbirth, in my case, was nothing to fear. I know I had it way easier than a lot of women do (for which I am so thankful). It was the best experience possible.

Joey and Audriana are two of the best things that have ever happened to me. I'm so glad that God changed my heart towards marriage and having children.

THE FUTURE - "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future."

I am hoping for more children in my future ~

Found this on the clearance rack. Couldn't pass it up.

My first baby sweater completed! Hope to have another little one to fill it.

Miscarriage - A Story of Loss

December 21st, 2013 ~ I had just found out I was pregnant. I was so excited to surprise my family on Christmas. I had prayed that it would happen before Christmas so I could surprise everyone. I was half-way shocked myself. I hadn't really thought of a way to surprise everyone, so I was scrambling to think up an idea. I finally decided just to take a picture of Audriana in a Big Sis shirt and put it in a frame. Christmas came and it was so much fun to watch the grandparents look of shock and surprise as they stared at the picture.

January 6th 2014. I was just 6 weeks pregnant. I hadn't been feeling any "real" symptoms yet. Nothing in comparison to what I had experienced with Audriana. As I lay in bed that night, I glanced at my dresser mirror and saw the card tucked in the edge that said "For this I have Christ". I stared at it and thought "even if I were to lose this baby, I would still have Christ." Somehow, I almost knew something was going to happen.

January 7th 2014. I woke up after a long hard night tending to a very sick Audriana. I was so tired. As I went to the bathroom that morning, suddenly my thought from the night before was becoming a reality. Bleeding isn't generally a good sign when you are pregnant. I tried not to freak out. I had heard stories of women who thought they were losing their babies, but it didn't turn out that way. Yet, somehow I knew it was going to be different in my case. I called the Dr. and they got me in that afternoon. I was feeling fairly calm until the ultrasound. I lay on that table and prayed so hard that there would be a baby on the screen. From the doctor's face, I could tell something wasn't right. The only thing on that screen was a tiny yolk sac - no visible baby. At least not a 6 week developed baby. We went back to the room and he told me that it "didn't look like a viable pregnancy. It wasn't my fault- nothing I did wrong. " He didn't see what he expected to see on the ultrasound, concluding that it was probably wrong from the start- it happened at conception. He also said I was healthy and there was no reason why I shouldn't be able to have more children in the future.

All of the feelings and emotions that came after that were almost too hard to bear. I had questions like "God, why did you answer me before Christmas so I could surprise everyone, but when I prayed that there would be a baby on that ultrasound, why didn't you answer me then?"  I knew that I could trust God. I had Christ - he fulfilled my greatest need - salvation. I was not at all angry with God. In fact, I had an overwhelming peace that he was right there with me through it all. I just didn't understand.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING"

I saw that verse on a church billboard and it hit me hard. God's ways are not my ways. He doesn't call for me to understand him, he calls for me to TRUST him - with ALL of my heart. So though I may never understand why I lost my baby, I know that I can trust God. He has only good in store for me - He is good, always good.

I look forward to the day when I will see my baby again.

A Bit of Spring

It has been way too long since I updated this blog. The most recent project I've done is painting a mural on Audriana's bedroom wall. It has taken me a year and a half to decide what I wanted to do.

My inspiration came from this blog post - http://www.katiespencilbox.com/2012/04/peony-paint.html

Here is the finished wall in Audriana's room ~

I'm so happy with the way it turned out!

Audriana loves her flowers..

It's very "springy" in her room now.